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Wednesday, March 23, 2005

A Word About Fantasy Baseball

I believe that Fantasy Baseball is on the verge of becoming a major topic in marriage counseling. Here's why...

As many of you well know, I've come to despise the man's participation in fantasy baseball. First of all, I'll say that I don't like to compete for my husband's attention. Anyone or anything that I've determined he worries about and spends more time attending to than me--it has to go.

Let me give you a few examples:

Scenario 1
We come home from church on a beautiful Sunday morning.
(wife)"Honey, let's go out and do something."
(man) "Sure, but hang on, gotta check my team."
...5 minutes later, coming from the computer room...
(man)"Son of a...I can't believe I benched him, he just got two home runs! I think I'm going to cry..."
At this point in time I would usually go out and work in the yard by myself or go buy something at the PX in retaliation. Upon returning, I would find the man on the couch watching a baseball game and be greeted by a hearty smile and
(man while pointing at the TV)"He's on my team."
I know my place.

Scenario 2
Later that evening, I've prepared a nice dinner, candles and all, giving ample warning to my husband of such an event...
(wife)"Dinner's ready!"
(man)"Just a sec..."
...10 minutes later...
(wife)"Are you coming!?"
(man)"Yeah, I'm coming..."
...20 minutes later...
(wife--stomping into the computer room)"Please come and have dinner with me!!!"
(man)"But my pitcher is sucking and Marsh wants to trade and I gotta figure out what I'm gonna do about these guys on my bench who only do good when they're on the bench...."
This is the point at which many a candle light dinner has been had ALL BY MYSELF, sometimes, admittedly in tears.

These scenarios are repeated over and over again in our household, obviously with no remorse from the man. It's gotten to the point where I feel violent if I sit down at the computer and see open windows of Yahoo sports or ESPN sports or (especially) mlb.com.

I told the man he wasn't allowed to play fantasy baseball this season. No way. I'm not going to go on being ignored all spring and summer, and yes, it is that bad. I thought maybe I'd be a nice wife and strike a deal with him...20 minutes of fantasy sports a day, that's all--and no carrying over unused minutes, this is not a cell phone plan. I was told that wasn't enough. Ok, 30 minutes. Still not enough. My offer of 40 minutes was met by a whiney, "but honey..." But nothing. And because of the whine it's going back down to 30 minutes. If you're caught going over 30 minutes, it's a new pair of shoes for me. That's my final offer, take it or leave it.

At the end of the season, I'll post my fantastic collection of new shoes for everyone to see.

10 Comments:

Blogger Matthew B. Novak said...

It's good that you let him join. We need this stuff. I don't think Laura quite appreciates it either. And the whole "just 5 minutes" thing - really, it's for the best. We need to get it all squared away, otherwise we wouldn't be able to focus on other stuff. At least on a Sunday afternoon. Now, conflicting with a candlelight dinner? That part was shameful. I'll even agree that he went to far there. For shame Chris. But overall, fantasy sports are a much needed outlet for us guys. Thanks for letting him in.

4:43 PM  
Blogger Words from Myshkin said...

Get a timer!

5:07 PM  
Blogger Matthew B. Novak said...

You have to let him have his team back. Please. Pretty please. I'm begging. I'm on my knees. Ok, I'm not actually on my knees, but I'm short enough that it looks like I'm on my knees. Please give him his team back. We know it causes you distress, but we'll do our best to keep him in line, and we'll let you punish him if he doesn't pay enough attention to you. Please?

3:03 AM  
Blogger Wife said...

I told him he could do it, if he doesn't re-sign up that's on him.

12:44 AM  
Blogger Matthew B. Novak said...

Time for a new post. Much longer and it'll have been a full month between posts! Out with it already!

7:23 PM  
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